Weekday mornings in our house can be calm or cluttered, quiet or tense. I am never sure which way it is going to turn out. For one week I kept track.
On Monday Brigit woke up before David and I, crawled into bed with us and cuddled before we slowly rose. We did our morning routine. She got dressed quickly and was actually waiting for me to get ready (I usually am ready before her) and skipped out the door happily.
Tuesday she was mostly awake, but still in bed at 7am, the time I usually start nudging her to get up. She was dragging a bit, playing like she was still asleep, so I let her know of our impending departure in about 20 minutes. A countdown every five minutes or so was enough to stir her into action and we were out the door right on time. Of course, she only used the last four minutes, which is all she actually needs. Ugh.
Wednesday was similar to Tuesday, with a little more urgency than usual from me, for I actually had an early meeting to get to on time. I know adding urgency does not help, but it happens. She made a game about who could get dressed first. Some excitement ensued when we each had only one shoe left to put on. My shoe buckle got ‘stuck’ at the last minute and she beat me getting dressed! On the way to her sitter and my work we had her ‘lovies’ dance to the music on the radio while waiting at red lights.
Thursday she popped right out of bed about 6:45. We had a little chat about what was to come during the day. She played a bit with her toys (looking at me regularly to see how long she could do it before I said anything) and got down to the business of getting dressed. After negotiating the content of her breakfast, and three changes of mind, we were finally out the door. One stop to watch a slug cross the walkway made for a delayed trip to the car, but was fun and a simple joy. We were running later than usual, but without early meetings, I tried to be laid back and enjoy it.
Friday was insane. I woke up first, and at the latest possible moment went to wake up Brigit, who was sleeping soundly. She resisted. Since I did not have an early meeting I went and sat down, giving her some space to wake up and get going. She finally got up, more because of a full bladder than anything else, and proceeded to find everything else she could possibly do except get dressed. Nudging did not work, nagging did not work. We were quickly progressing toward leaving pretty late, even for a late morning departure. She lashed out in anger whenever David or I suggested a course of action for her – maybe just being dramatic because we were paying attention, maybe actual anger. She proceeded to yell and throw her clothes and glare at the two of us. David and I both ended up nagging her even more about getting ready. We kept looking at each other in amazement. I was wondering what became of my level-headed, intelligent, helpful girl from the previous weekday mornings. She calmed down a bit and finally got dressed. We left the house, both of us a little gloomy, having started our day with such a high level of tension.
We do what we can to make sure than any consequences presented to Brigit are real. In the case of getting ready ‘on time’ there are actually little or no real consequences to Brigit, but the impact is actually on me and David. Regardless of whether we leave on time or not for David and my schedules, she will spend the day with the sitter and her friends. It is difficult to get her invested in the consequences David and I experience. Does she yet feel compelled to move more quickly in the morning so mommy can keep a promise to be on time to a meeting? Nope. If daddy misses a deadline because he started working late does she care? Not yet. Having less time to play and do things in the evening is the closest thing to a direct consequence to her that we have identified, but the actual connection of the consequence nine hours later, or the impact on the next morning’s getting ready process, ends up being minimal.
As she gets older the mornings lean more towards our Thursday and Friday experience than the Monday through Wednesday experiences I described above.
When I think back on the week and wonder what I could have done differently to help make the mornings more relaxed I came to a few conclusions.
1) Going to bed earlier – this does not always work, but could indeed make a difference. Regardless of when she goes to bed or how undisturbed her sleep time is, she rarely sleeps more than nine hours. Earlier bedtime does not always translate into getting to sleep earlier for my headstrong little girl. Making sure she is at least winding down early enough so she has the potential to get nine hours of sleep should be a priority.
2) Incentives for getting ready on time – by incentives I mean treats or special activities as reward for meeting deadlines. I don’t mind using this tact occasionally, but rewards for accomplishing everyday routine is not realistic. When she is an adult she won’t get a toy every time she is on time for routine commitments. The incentive to do so is the reward of other people relying on promises she makes and their belief that she will keep promises in the future. I have used the incentive approach in the past very successfully, but keep it as a last resort – she is still a kid, and bribing does often work.
3) Chillax – I can do this a lot of the time, but it is not always easy. What I can do easily is get uptight and find it difficult to chill out or relax. I am very aware that Brigit can sense much of the tension I feel, through the tone of my voice or body language. I know she reacts to it and some of her behavior is directly related to mine. What I show her. If I can begin by chillaxing, then whatever we are doing is bound to go better than if I don’t.
4) Ask her opinion – gasp! Sounds simple, but how many times have I just decided on a schedule or plans without consulting her? A lot. Listening to my little girl more often could change our world.
This is the first of what I expect to be many scenarios where there is a timing issue with Brigit. Hers is a world of wonder and exploring, not of deadlines and meetings. Keeping that perspective in mind is important, and I want to do better at it. I want us to work together and develop a relationship that will help us face challenges in the future, and this is definitely a place to start.