So much of what she does has long term impacts on her own development. I want to be able to look back and see what works and what doesn’t for her, and how I can do the best I can to support her journey. Here are five things that happened this past week. Sometimes we go in so many different directions in a week a great idea may get dropped from lack of time. Hopefully I can catch some of them here so we can pick them up later if lost.

A new place. We arrived at my brother’s house recently after driving across the country. We are finally in a semi-permanent spot where we are not changing locations every night. Learning the nuances of someone’s home and habits is a new thing. It is not a big stretch, for my brother is pretty laid back and busy with a new job. He is happy to spend time with us over dinner when he gets home, and appreciates that someone spends time with the quietly aging pit bull sweetie doggie of his.

Brigit asked for two things in a new ‘place’ – a dog and a back yard. She gets both here (at least temporarily) and is enjoying learning about dog behavior and the nooks and crannies of a lush, green, bushy yard (including the need to scoop the poop). A whole new metroplex to explore is a bit of a temptation too!

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. We watched the 1973 and 2005 versions. We watched the older version at least a dozen times over the past few years, so she is intimately acquainted with the plot and characters.  We compared and contrasted the versions. Highlights of her observations include: the new Wonka is creepier, the new version has more details about Wonka’s background and why he loves making candy so much, the songs in the old version are easier to follow, and both movies have neat cinematography (a new word and concept that took us on a tangent in the middle of the discussion). Next on the topic will be reading the book. Not a high priority – frankly, the book is confusingly freaky and we are in the middle of another series right now. She said she preferred the older movie version because it was simple and left more mystery about the characters, letting her come up with her own stories ‘on the edges of the movie’.

Chapter book reading. We are on book seven of the Harry Potter series. We started with book one in February and have gradually made it to the seventh. A lot of discussion occurs about the story line and character development as we progress. During the more tense times of the story she breaks into my reading and proposes a solution or fix for the problems characters are having. Brigit is definitely a member of the Order of the Phoenix. I am wondering if her opinion of Snape changes when she gets more information, but we will see! When I read she sits there and sometimes works on pot holders or varied craft projects. Other times she just curls up and listens. Sometimes when I take a break she begs for a later break because she has ‘formed a picture in her head from the words and does not want to lose it yet!’. I think I am safe as long as I don’t get laryngitis!

Money. One day we were in a mall. Not my preferred place to spend a day, but that was where they built the aquarium we visited. On a money related note, Brigit wants another “Build a Bear” (BaB) exceedingly overdressed stuffed animal. Her current BaB is decked out in a tutu, sparkly shoes and a tiara – a Christmas gift last year. After having a slightly dramatic discussion about the expense and timing of a newly built being not being hers that day (no instant gratification), she spend thirty minute going through the store deciding what she wanted in the future. The cost of other activities planned for the week did not result in capacity for adding the potential new family member out of the family budget. The discussion evolved into the options available for actually getting one, which included 1) asking for a new one on her birthday (two months away), 2) waiting until the family budget allowed for it (with no guarantee when that would happen) or 3) using her own money……oooohhhhh! Her own money! The brain started working like gangbusters! The whole thing resulted in quite a math lesson. We located four different places in her toys, backpack and lovies where she carefully stashed her money before we moved – from past special occasion gifts and such. Oh my, she has accumulated quite a pile! After spending half an hour figuring out the currency and counting it all up, she discovered the pot of gold she has been hoarding would be plenty for her new BaB! Needless to say, she has grand plans for later in the week (on another unfortunate visit to the mall) to purchase a newly built and fully decked out ‘bear’. It will be more interesting when she has more stringent funds, but for now she will be extravagant, I expect. When we finally arrived with her wallet in hand at the store she went on a spree that far exceeded her funds. Hard decisions had to be made, but the purchase was winnowed down to fit within her budget. In summary, she now has a softly stuffed cat with a sparkly wardrobe, roller skates, pink bed and pink carrying backpack.She carefully set some funds aside for the Renaissance Festival in the near future – we will see how that works out!

Animals Part II. We had a new doggie join us this week. We went from one old dog (14 years) and one non-young cat (11 years) to adding a one year old doggie. The peaceful animal behavior and level of calm has dropped noticeably. During our road trip Brigit focused specifically on cat behavior and body language, helping our cat to be as comfortable as possible in the truck and hotel rooms. This week we have added the study of dog behavior, especially the difference between that of old and young. Different species but the the same concept in many ways. Walks of a hesitant, cautious cat on a leash during the trip have turned into walks of two dogs that seem to constantly go in opposite directions. Brigit liked dancing around them while I tried to keep from tangling my legs to the point of tripping. The ultimate workout! The younger dog left soon after, but was an interesting lesson in observation, similarities and differences!

Today she stayed home sick with fever. I suggested maybe we should watch Tangled or Brave, based on her previous interest in the characters and the fact she was not interested in doing much else. She said no. Hmmm. Liking the characters, but not liking the movies. I asked a few questions to delve deeper, hoping that she would not realize I was very interested. This is important, because as soon as I show keen interest in her thoughts and opinions she starts joking and changing the subject and not letting me know what I want. Selfish, maybe, but I have been around longer and still get to manipulate her, at least for now…when I can get away with it.

According to Brigit, she likes the princesses but gets upset when Merida’s mom turns into a bear because of what she did, and when Rapunzel’s mom shows to be using Rapunzel and gets mean – it is too much for her to want to watch. This is a  mom-cetric theme that I do not at the moment take to heart, but will explore later (what the hell am I doing to her to make her have mom issue?!!!! Is it her being unconditionally in love with me or just me being psychotic??!!!).

Our discussion went this way and that, but the bottom line was she did not like seeing the challenge set before the characters; that seeing the thing making life difficult is hard to watch. Our conversation meandered to the ultimate conclusion that the characters overcome adversity and discovering happiness on the other side, although it is not clear what would happen from the get go.

She was not convinced that the happy resolution made it worth watching the movies. It makes me actually want to watch the movies with her and talk her through the process. I don’t necessarily think the be-all-end-all-source of learning to face adversity is princess movies, but there is established a foundation of emotional reaction. A place to start, for I know for a fact she will encounter adversity in her life. Her dad and I do so every day. Maybe it is something to tackle another time. She is barely five and I can’t make her as ready as I can for the world all at once. A work in progress about princesses…as a result of a fever and hanging out on the couch.

Recently she turned the big FIVE! To celebrate the occasion Grandma Sherry bought her a camera of her very own. It is pink, bounces pretty well and holds about 800 digital images. It goes with us almost everywhere. Deep down I have a hope that maybe this interest will evolve into her being a professional photographer, traveling the world recording and sharing images. Who knows if this will ever happen, for if she does not do it, I may go ahead and accomplish such feats myself, for I dabble in it myself. Here are some of her recent gems. Hmmm….why wait? Yet again, she is my inspiration.

Here are some shots from her new camera. I will dig some up from the past and post them soon.

I am sure it is doubly confusing for because David and I use the word school a bit differently than most. When she goes to her awesome ‘pre-school’, which has her running around outside and climbing mountains about six hours every day. She is learning to socialize and communicate and share, just like all four year olds should. When David takes her on an adventure we call it Brigit-Daddy school, because she is learning about her surroundings and people and the woods and reading and how to have silly fun. Other times there are adventures called Brigit-Mommy school. It may be a trip to see movie, sit on the beach, play at the park or just the grocery store, but learning happens, which is what schooling is all about.

Our approach falls under what is generally called unschooling. We have relied on the concept for the past year and plan to continue doing so. It does not include a traditional classroom. It relies on the child to pursue interests as she chooses. It is more of a project-based approach to learning, as opposed to stove piped subjects. it is something that very much fits our family’s day to day life and Brigit’s natural curiosity.

We have talked to her about school before, but turning five any day now includes more and more discussions about classroom school, carried over from her time with her buddies headed there in August. I asked her what she plans on doing in kindergarten. She is not sure, so I prompted her. Ironically I recently looked up what was expected from a kindergarten ‘graduate’, so I could discuss the issue intelligently with those who are firm believers in classroom schooling. Here is what I discovered.

At the end of kindergarten kids should:
-Follow print from left to right and from top to bottom of a page when stories are read aloud
-Understand the relationship between print and pictures
-Recognize the shapes and names of all the letters in the alphabet (both uppercase and lowercase letters)
-Write many uppercase and lowercase letters on her own
-Understand that spoken words are made up of separate sounds
-Recognize and makes rhymes
-Identify words that have the same beginning sound
-Know a number of letter-sound relationships
-Understand that the order of letters in a written word represents the order of sounds in a spoken word
-Recognize some common words on sight, such as a, the, I, said, you, is, are
-Listen carefully to books read aloud
-Ask and answer questions about stories
-Use what he already knows to help him understand a story
-Predict what will happen in a story based on pictures or information in the story
-Retell and/or act out stories
-Know the difference between “made-up” (fiction) and “real” (nonfiction) books and the difference between stories
-Use phonemic awareness and letter knowledge to spell and write words
-Begin to spell some words correctly
-Write his own first and last name and the first names of some friends, classmates, or family members
-Write some letters and words as they are said to her
-Play with and is curious about words and language
-Use new words in her own speech
-Know and use words that are important to school work, such as the names for colors, shapes and numbers
-Know and use words that are important to daily life, such as street names and addresses and names for community workers

She actually has about 95% of the list figured out. The accomplishments by the end of a year of sitting in a classroom sounds pretty basic, and maybe the list IS basic. I don’t know. I am not a trained educator. Not that you could test her, because the moment she figures out you are trying to figure her out, she stops letting you and clams up. Careful observation from afar and subtle scheming reveals her skill sets. I am not saying she will be bored if she goes to a structured Kindergarten class, but I worry what will happen when she already knows what is being taught in a lesson and wants to do something else, rather than sitting through information she already knows. Will she be bored? Is the classroom set up for such situations? Will she perceive situations as ‘punishment’ for already knowing something? The ‘punishment’ happened to both me and her father, and we don’t want her to experience it.

We would love to do full time unschooling instead of a classroom, but Brigit wants to go to school. Since she was born we have planned on not putting her into a structured school, but our perfect plan to be available to do so by now has not happened quite as expected. We are thinking of letting her try school. If she does not like it, we can change our priorities and do it at home. If she does like it, and we do supplemental experiences and projects, we will feel good about it and she will be happy. How can that harm? We may just have to see…

On Monday Brigit woke up before David and I, crawled into bed with us and cuddled before we slowly rose. We did our morning routine. She got dressed quickly and was actually waiting for me to get ready (I usually am ready before her) and skipped out the door happily.

Tuesday she was mostly awake, but still in bed at 7am, the time I usually start nudging her to get up. She was dragging a bit, playing like she was still asleep, so I let her know of our impending departure in about 20 minutes. A countdown every five minutes or so was enough to stir her into action and we were out the door right on time. Of course, she only used the last four minutes, which is all she actually needs. Ugh.

Wednesday was similar to Tuesday, with a little more urgency than usual from me, for I actually had an early meeting to get to on time. I know adding urgency does not help, but it happens. She made a game about who could get dressed first. Some excitement ensued when we each had only one shoe left to put on. My shoe buckle got ‘stuck’ at the last minute and she beat me getting dressed! On the way to her sitter and my work we had her ‘lovies’ dance to the music on the radio while waiting at red lights.

Thursday she popped right out of bed about 6:45. We had a little chat about what was to come during the day. She played a bit with her toys (looking at me regularly to see how long she could do it before I said anything) and got down to the business of getting dressed. After negotiating the content of her breakfast, and three changes of mind, we were finally out the door. One stop to watch a slug cross the walkway made for a delayed trip to the car, but was fun and a simple joy. We were running later than usual, but without early meetings, I tried to be laid back and enjoy it.

Friday was insane. I woke up first, and at the latest possible moment went to wake up Brigit, who was sleeping soundly. She resisted. Since I did not have an early meeting I went and sat down, giving her some space to wake up and get going. She finally got up, more because of a full bladder than anything else, and proceeded to find everything else she could possibly do except get dressed. Nudging did not work, nagging did not work. We were quickly progressing toward leaving pretty late, even for a late morning departure. She lashed out in anger whenever David or I suggested a course of action for her – maybe just being dramatic because we were paying attention, maybe actual anger. She proceeded to yell and throw her clothes and glare at the two of us. David and I both ended up nagging her even more about getting ready. We kept looking at each other in amazement. I was wondering what became of my level-headed, intelligent, helpful girl from the previous weekday mornings. She calmed down a bit and finally got dressed. We left the house, both of us a little gloomy, having started our day with such a high level of tension.

We do what we can to make sure than any consequences presented to Brigit are real. In the case of getting ready ‘on time’ there are actually little or no real consequences to Brigit, but the impact is actually on me and David. Regardless of whether we leave on time or not for David and my schedules, she will spend the day with the sitter and her friends. It is difficult to get her invested in the consequences David and I experience. Does she yet feel compelled to move more quickly in the morning so mommy can keep a promise to be on time to a meeting? Nope. If daddy misses a deadline because he started working late does she care? Not yet. Having less time to play and do things in the evening is the closest thing to a direct consequence to her that we have identified, but the actual connection of the consequence nine hours later, or the impact on the next morning’s getting ready process, ends up being minimal.

As she gets older the mornings lean more towards our Thursday and Friday experience than the Monday through Wednesday experiences I described above.

When I think back on the week and wonder what I could have done differently to help make the mornings more relaxed I came to a few conclusions.

1) Going to bed earlier – this does not always work, but could indeed make a difference. Regardless of when she goes to bed or how undisturbed her sleep time is, she rarely sleeps more than nine hours. Earlier bedtime does not always translate into getting to sleep earlier for my headstrong little girl. Making sure she is at least winding down early enough so she has the potential to get nine hours of sleep should be a priority.

2) Incentives for getting ready on time – by incentives I mean treats or special activities as reward for meeting deadlines. I don’t mind using this tact occasionally, but rewards for accomplishing everyday routine is not realistic. When she is an adult she won’t get a toy every time she is on time for routine commitments. The incentive to do so is the reward of other people relying on promises she makes and their belief that she will keep promises in the future. I have used the incentive approach in the past very successfully, but keep it as a last resort – she is still a kid, and bribing does often work.

3) Chillax – I can do this a lot of the time, but it is not always easy. What I can do easily is get uptight and find it difficult to chill out or relax. I am very aware that Brigit can sense much of the tension I feel, through the tone of my voice or body language. I know she reacts to it and some of her behavior is directly related to mine. What I show her. If I can begin by chillaxing, then whatever we are doing is bound to go better than if I don’t.

4) Ask her opinion – gasp! Sounds simple, but how many times have I just decided on a schedule or plans without consulting her? A lot. Listening to my little girl more often could change our world.

This is the first of what I expect to be many scenarios where there is a timing issue with Brigit. Hers is a world of wonder and exploring, not of deadlines and meetings. Keeping that perspective in mind is important, and I want to do better at it. I want us to work together and develop a relationship that will help us face challenges in the future, and this is definitely a place to start.

Here is an example of how Brigit’s brain works. Whether considered appropriate by others or not, we expose Brigit to anything we expose ourselves to. Exposure ranges from technological advances, foods, hiking, human behaviors, personal finances….I can go on and on. Bottom line, we give her access to as much information as possible, assuming that she may not understand every nuance, but the information will get her brain working and develop questions. The approach also gets David and me to think about what we are doing, because explaining it is part of the process. One area of exposure includes the concepts of real and pretend, including the sometimes funny and sometimes scary world of movies that include all types of vampires, zombies, witches, ghouls and goblins. One of Brigit’s early exposures at the age of three was to the Wizard of Oz on the big screen. A local theater was playing it as part of the film’s 75th anniversary celebration. Brigit enjoyed the movie, but got a little scared when the Wicked Witch of the West took up the whole screen. I must admit, that big green and black character taking up a whole wall could certainly be disconcerting. She expressed her concerns and we shared my seat for the rest of the movie. Her interest did not seem to be founded in fear, but in curiosity. She reminded me and herself that the movie was pretend, and I think the wet demise of the character later in the movie was reassuring to her. In our desire to introduce Brigit to self-sufficient females we have also showed her Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She seems to understand the difference between real and pretend, so we sit there and watch the show together, answering her questions about the plot and what different characters are – human and non-human, dead and undead. If I ever wondered about how she processes the information – if it all seemed more real than we thought for her or even scary beyond imagination – it was confirmed recently in a parking garage. I present to you the above picture. The orange figures are on a wall of a parking garage, painted to show them walking towards a door. Brigit saw them and immediately ran up to the front of the line and started running in place, yelling “look mommy! I am being chased by zombies! Ahhhh!” I laughed and of course took a picture. We laughed about it some more when we got outside and she pretended I was a zombie, running circles around me while I made zombie noises. We got some reactions from passers by, which included confused looks and smirks, which is usual for us. I think she has the concepts of real and pretend compartmentalized, at least for now…

Hmmm. Dora. She is sooo over Dora, and forgot most of the Spanish she absorbed from the show. I am also sick of looking at Dora’s face. Disney princesses. Uh, so far I have avoided that whole world and Brigit has shown little interest, though time is running short after her princess-centric birthday. Monster High? Nope. Rapunzel from Tangled? Merida from Brave? Both are curiously separate from the ‘classic’ princesses, but do I want little B walking around with them on her butt?

I turn to the simpler undies of solid colors, flowers and polka dots, grabbing a bag and start heading out. Before I get too far something catches my eye. Omigosh! Is it? Is it? Yes! It is! A pack of cartoon character laden undies, but I can relate to them. Batgirl, Supergirl and WonderWoman! I know there is a tendency to sexualize the characters in certain ways, but they are also super! I am over analyzing.

Here is why I got excited. Brigit’s slightly older cousin sent his old Batman pajamas to her a while back. They are her favorite. She grabs them first every time they are clean and loves running around saving things. What if she can have that feeling every day even when it is not pajama time? Wooohoooo! I bought a pack, in addition to the plain pack. She opened them up and happily alternates each day between the super ones and polka dots or flowers, but mostly the super ones. Oh, and they also fit.

What effect will the decoration on undies have on Brigit? Probably not much. Chill the heck out, Mary Anne.